


i’m really bad at this i think

by artificialgeese



Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018)
Genre: Anxiety, and i hate myself, i suck at being leader, leo be like, lol, raph is a very good older brother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:28:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28417632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialgeese/pseuds/artificialgeese
Summary: “Raph, what if they like-“ Leo stops his pacing “what if they die?”Raph repeats the same thing he’s said the past nine hours, “Leo. They’re fine.”
Relationships: Donatello & Leonardo (TMNT), Leonardo & Michelangelo (TMNT), Leonardo & Raphael (TMNT)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 70





	i’m really bad at this i think

“Raph, what if they like-“ Leo stops his pacing “what if they die?”

Raph repeats the same thing he’s said the past nine hours, “Leo. They’re fine.”

And Leo continues to pace, mind buzzing with every negative scenario, making his skull feel like it’s about to crack. “You don’t know that though,” he’s pulling his mask tails now, “You just don’t know,” he twists the fabric in his fingers, “Dee and Mikey could be dead and it’d be my fault.”

“You made the right decision back there- it was your quick thinking that got us through it. All we have to do is wait for them to come back, and they will. Eventually,” Raph says, lightly.

And Leo stills. He mulls over what Raph says, as if his brother hasn’t repeated it over twenty times. And continues to pace. “You don’t get it.” 

And Leo knows that that probably hurt Raph a bit. “I do,” Raph starts, trying to rationalize, “I was leader for much longer than you and I know how it is. I know how it gets. I was terrified that my decisions would lead to any of you getting hurt. But it didn’t-“

“Because you,” Leo points an accusatory finger, “You sir, are- fuck what’s the word-” the hand that was pointing goes back to tugging the fabric, “I don’t even know basic vocabulary and I’m the leader? God!” There’s a laugh from Leo, but it’s one of his manic ones, the stress of the situation seeping into what should be innocent giggles. The joke wasn’t even that funny, Leo thinks. It wasn’t even a joke really.

He snaps, before looking back to Raph “You sir, are actually competent.”

Raph snorts, “Leo, I had no idea what I was doing-“

“Do  _ not  _ start that with me. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing, Raph. I can’t do this. I literally can’t,” Leo wheezes, like what he’s saying is funny, “I’m a piece of shit that has no idea what I’m doing.” 

“You’re not a piece of shit,” Raph consoles, it’s weird hearing him curse, “I don’t think you are.”

Leo stops walking. He’s standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, arms dangled at his sides. A strangled sound comes from his throat, that was supposed to be a self deprecating laugh, but sounds more like a whine. The awkward whine turns into a cough and now Leo’s face is in his elbow and his chest being wrecked by a wheezing fit. 

Raph is up and at Leo’s side in seconds, hand on his shoulder. “Bud,” he’s rubbing circles on Leo’s shell now, “Maybe we should sit down.”

The coughing fit dies off with a few sputters. “Yea,” Leo’s own voice sounds grossly raw to his own ears, “Yea, we should.”

His brother leads him to a pillow on the living room floor and they’re sitting now, Raph’s arm comfortably wrapped around Leo. Leo thinks he doesn’t deserve this. Because he’s a piece of shit. And also a shit leader. And doesn’t deserve sympathy. Because he’s a piece of shit. But his brother is warm and comforting in a way that’s just hard to deny, so he curls into his side as if he were five and not fifteen.

“I’m sorry,” Leo says, but he doesn’t know what he’s apologizing for.

“You don’t hafta apologize for anything,” which is the response Leo was expecting, but didn’t want to hear.

“Dad was stupid to put me in charge.”

“I don’t think so,” Raph starts, giving Leo a squeeze, “I think you’re doin’ alright.”

Leo giggles this time, an actual giggle. “Funny joke. That’s my thing though.” 

“‘M not joking. You’re doing good so far.” 

Leo hums, because he doesn’t feel like arguing anymore. He digs his face in his brother’s side because he has nothing better to do.

* * *

  
They’re back. The buzzing in Leo’s brain is replaced with overwhelming relief as he feels his mind turn to putty. He spares a glance at Raph sitting next to him, whose relief is almost equally visible. 

“Hey-“ Mikey starts, walking into the lair. Leo springs from his seat pacing over to his brother. He thinks he's gone delirious at this point. He already really has. Maybe that’s what staying up for ten hours waiting for your brothers to return from a mission  _ you _ sent them on does to someone.

Leo claps both his hands to Mikey’s cheeks. He’s still there. He’s real, tangible. He can feel his brother’s dry skin under his fingertips. “Hey bud,” his own voice sounds raw.

Mikey gives him a confused glance before gently removing Leo’s hands from his cheeks. “Nice to see you too, Leo,” he says, voice peaking in concern, “Are you alright?”

Leo tries to snort. Tries to say how it should be him asking that question to his brother. But instead the manic sort of laughter comes out of his mouth again. He clasps his jaw shut when he sees Mikey’s face pinch in concern.

“What’s so funny?” Donnie asks, now entering the room as well. Something in Leo’s brain short circuits because he grasps onto his twin so quickly that Donnie is completely taken aback. “Woah,” he starts, returning the hug, “Hi Leon?”

Leo can feel his eyes turn hot as the welling in the back of his throat grows harder. “Hi De _ e _ -“ his voice cracks so violently that he already knows he’s done for. He doesn't even try to hold it back, he takes a single breath in and it comes out a choked sob. If he’s crying over Donnie of all people then he knows he’s gone completely off the deep end. 

His brother tightens his grip around him. “Leo,” Donnie says, surprised by the sudden sobbing, “You need to breathe or you’re going to make yourself sick.”

Leo’s mask is already damp as his nose starts to drip. He thinks he’s going to get his brother's shoulder wet. His breaths come and go in sporadic little bursts as he desperately tries to control them. He pulls away from his brother, steadying himself by grabbing his shoulders. “I-I think,” he takes a shaky inhale, and attempts to get the words out, “I’m gonna pass out.”

His brothers are buzzing around him now, leading him to sit, but his heart is pounding so fast that he can hear his own blood rushing. He’s really light headed, he thinks, as Raph sits down next to him and asks him something he can’t quite hear. His own vision is so blurred that he can hardly make anything out. He’s just crying, fat and ugly tears like he’s a child. His Dad would argue he still is a child, but Leo disagrees. There’s a hand on his back again, rubbing steady circles. 

“Leon,” the ringing in his ears subsides as he looks to the left of him. It’s Donnie, “We’re alright.” 

Leo squeezes his eyes shut and takes a steady breath in. “I’m-“ his voice cracks, “I’m really glad you guys are safe.”

There are hands now, intertwining with his own. Leo opens his eyes to Mikey, wringing their fingers together. “We’re fine, Leo,” his little brother starts. It occurs to Leo that Mikey looks so incredibly small, “Are you though?”

“Ha,” Leo attempts lighthearted, but it comes out wet and gravely, “I dunno.”

“Well that’s ok,” Mikey starts, “Because we’re ok. And we’ll make you ok.”

Leo doesn’t really understand that logic. But, his fourteen year old brother is far more emotionally competent with him. So he nods and smiles, a real one this time. They all sit like that for a while, tired and drained from the day. They’re all ok though, Leo thinks, and that’s all he really needs. 

  
  



End file.
